Asking DT Readers

Why do you think people find it so difficult to truly forgive one another?

I am curious to hear what my fellow Christ followers think.

Let me hear from you.

Comments

[matt curtis]

I think it's most often selfishness. We can use the wrong to justify our feelings and actions, and often our own wrongs.

[Rachael]

I think sometimes we just say we have forgiven someone and try to forget about the wrong, instead of making the conscious decision to truly forgive. It is the actual understanding of forgiveness that is flawed.

I agree with matt that sometimes we want to justify our feelings. It's easy to use that past wrong to make ourselves feel better about things. For example, say that someone wrongs me and I say that I have forgiven them; however, every time I see that person I bring all the past wrongs back to the surface. We tend to justify our anger with feelings of entitlement, e.g. "Well, I am allowed to not be kind to him, because he did ____ to me."

[Nephos]

On occasion, our resentment/bitterness become a part of us, and (as absurd as it sounds) we enjoy our pain. To forgive is to let go of that, and we can't.

[Catherine Larson]

I think also there is within us a very real sense and need for justice. Often we misunderstand forgiveness, thinking that forgiveness and justice are mutually exclusive--when they are not. God tells us that vengeance belongs to him. I think if we realized more that wrong will always meet with pure justice, whether that's justice fulfilled on the cross or justice in a final day of reckoning, it would be easier to move toward extending forgiveness.

[Mr. D]

I know it sounds like a Sunday Schoolish answer, but one of the answers is sin. We give up something when forgive. We give up control. When someone has wronged us, and we don’t forgive them, they owe us. They are in our debt. When someone owes you, you have a certain degree of control over the relationship and over them. Giving that up is an offense to the idol of control. So I think that is certainly one of the reasons.

I also think Nephos hits on a good point too. Sometimes, our woundedness becomes part of our identity. We want to wear the identity of a victim, and gain the sympathy of others. When victimhood becomes part of your identity, it becomes difficult to truly forgive and change that identity … especially if it has been successful in gaining sympathy points for you.

Catherine’s point about justice is spot on. What happens to justice when we forgive? Are we removing room for justice by forgiving? I think, deep down, many of us operate with that distorted understanding of forgiveness. As Catherine points out, perfect justice is always met … either on the cross, or on “the day” (i.e. that final day of reckoning). It is a transforming thought to recognize that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross meets the requirements of perfect justice, for those covered by his blood and atoning work. It is transforming, but admittedly difficult sometimes. It is typically easier to think of justice in terms of the final day of reckoning kind of justice. But the truth is that “Jesus paid it all”, to borrow some words from the familiar hymn. The demands of justice have been met for those in Christ. That frees us to forgive.

I think Catherine brings out a cogent point in her book too. Forgiveness is costly. It is expensive. It is a gift. And, it is a gift given to someone that has done the opposite to you. Friends, that is flat out hard to do. I think, like Rachel says, it is kind of easy to say the words “I forgive you” or “it is all right” or “it was nothing” … because that is what we were taught by our mothers to do when our brother beat us up and then came back and said he was sorry. The "I forgive" words are cheap though. Truly canceling that wrong at a heart level, comes at a very high cost. Just like repentance can be counterfeit, I suspect there is a lot of false forgiveness floating around in our churches. Along those lines, I like the suggestion you (Catherine) make on p.182. Recognizing that true forgiveness is a process and takes time and is hard, she suggests that if the person who has been wounded is struggling with forgiving, then they should be honest about that. If the wounded person is open to forgiving, but not there, Catherine suggests that they say “I am going to begin to try to forgive you” … or even better … “can you accept my appreciation for your apology and give me some time to work through these hard feelings?”

Comments? Other ideas for how to help see more true forgiveness among Christ followers?

[Catherine Larson]

I think this is one of the reason problems exacerbate in close relationships.

Let's say that a husband has offended his wife in some way by his behavior. She says, "I forgive you," but really hasn't in her heart. He moves on.

Meanwhile, she may be emotionally punishing him because she still hasn't forgiven from the heart. Something may set her off and then, she brings it up again.

He feels blind-sided because he thought she had forgiven him.

She feels slighted because he's so defensive.

And the problem grows worse. But what would that same situation look like if at the outset she'd said, "Thank you so much for apologizing. I want to forgive you but I'm really working through some emotions right now and am not quite there yet. Can we discusss this a little more?" or "Can you give me a little time to work through these hard feelings?"

In that situation, he's been honored for his courage to apologize. He knows her heart to move toward forgiveness. But he also knows the reality of what's going on inside her. They can discuss those things that are still nagging at her or they both can take some time in prayer first. They are both on the same page.

[Carl Holmes]

when we let someone or something become an idol it leads us to idolatry. It is impossible to truly forgive someone whom you are in idolatry with.

Craig Hill wrote and incredible book called The Ancient Paths I HIGHLY recommend on this subject.

It is a tough cycle to break. When you refuse to forgive you make that person an idol because they still have power over you. All you do is feed the cycle.

The key to learning how to forgive truly and deeply is to ask "where are my idols?" and "how do I get rid of them?"