Ask Catherine

Catherine, as you are probably aware, "The Shack" is a runaway best seller that tells a story about forgiveness in light of tragedy.  Here are two quotes from The Shack involving a conversation between “Papa” (i.e. God) and the protagonist (Mack).

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack.  It is about letting go of another person's throat.”

Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver," answered Papa, "to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly."

There is some truth in these quotes, but your book does a good job of explaining how forgiveness involves something bigger.  Please expound.

Thanks, Jeff, for the good question. One of the things I noticed in studying forgiveness is how much pop psychology has truncated our view of why we forgive. Dr. Phil, for example, defines forgiveness as “a choice you make to release yourself from pain, bitterness, and anger.” While I’d agree that forgiveness is a choice we make, and while I’d agree that forgiveness can often bring a very real sense of relief and release, I would differ in this: I think forgiveness isn’t primarily a selfish act. Forgiveness is a gift—a gift given to the person in our lives who may least deserve it. When we forgive, we may actually suffer in the process as we let go of the right to avenge or let go of something that was giving us a sense of identity, or any number of things. There is certainly a joy in doing something which is gracious and good, but it won’t be a joy without cost.

I love what you wrote on page 92 when you said,

“Like any gift, forgiveness can bring joy to both the giver and the receiver, and the one who gives pays the highest price.  But perhaps the extreme costliness of this particular gift imbues forgiveness, of all human actions, with the greatest potential to image forth the divine.”

Forgiveness is central to the gospel, and it is extremely costly.  You reference Bonhoeffer in your book and call forgiveness an “active form of suffering” on p 263.  Please unpack what you mean.

It’s interesting you bring up Bonhoeffer as I’ve just been re-reading The Cost of Discipleship.  Bonhoeffer teaches us a lot about something we’ve forgotten. That is that the Christian life is one that like our Lord Jesus Christ’s will be marked by suffering. We don’t measure our success in this world by whether we’re going along smoothly and carefree. In terms of forgiveness, when someone wrongs us we suffer passively. But when we choose to forgive, we take up an active form of suffering in giving a costly gift to an “enemy.” We let go of shoving that wrong in someone’s face, for example, or of using a past misdeed to keep another person in position of debt to us. There are many ways that giving up the perceived right to avenge will feel like suffering. In saying this, I don’t want to minimize the joy there is in doing right. Christ went to the cross for the joy set before him. When we forgive, we create the possibility of a renewed future and a renewed relationship. We participate in seeing shalom restored. There’s a reward in our suffering that can outweigh the pain of the offering.

You have said in one of your interviews that "holding on to that forgiveness is the hardest" thing for you.  Would you say that forgiveness is a process, or would you say it is a one-time thing?  In other words, do you think one can be in the process of forgiving someone, or is it something that either happens or doesn’t?  And once you have forgiven someone, do you think it is a done deal, or is it ongoing?

I think forgiveness is definitely a process. I do think that at some point we make a choice to forgive and then we hold on to that choice. But the choice to hold on may strike us in ways that seem new and may bring up old pain. For instance, just this past week I saw a consequence in my life of a wrong that had been done to me almost nine years ago. I’ve chosen already to forgive that wrong. But I’d never really seen and felt the pain of that particular aspect of the consequence of the wrong in my life until just last week. As that pain hit me in a fresh, new way, I had to hold on to that choice that I’d made to forgive. And in a sense, I forgave again as a new aspect of the harm done to me was revealed. I don’t think that the fact that I felt a new level of pain, hurt and even anger negates the reality of the forgiveness I’d already extended. It just shows that any kind of harm can affect those around us in ways that are very multi-faceted and far-reaching.

Colossians 3:13 tells us "as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."   This verse humbles me every time I read it, because I think of the depth of Christ's forgiveness for me personally, and think, there is no way I can forgive as Christ forgave.   At the end of the day, would you say that forgiveness is possible outside the supernatural work and grace of Christ in the human heart?

I believe that any good that any of us do (Christian or non-Christian) is grace from God. So in that sense, any forgiveness in the world, any selflessness, any noble and pure sacrifice is part of God’s supernatural work. But you probably mean can people who don’t see the atoning death of Jesus as a motivator to forgive, can they truly forgive? I would say, yes, they can. There’s a reason that what’s at the heart of Christian ethics, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is found in so many religions and cultures. This empathy-based ethic is understandable and even reasonable to people who don’t operate based on motives of faith. And many people are able to remember a time when they were forgiven or when they desperately wanted forgiveness and they received it. They can remember how good that felt and feel motivated to want to likewise extend that to another human being. But I think that a person who is a Christian is going to have experienced this in a much more profound way than most of us do in our normal everyday lives. The more we understand that we desperately need forgiveness (in other words the more we understand how truly sinful we are), the more we will see the need to extend that same grace to others. But there’s also another motivation for Christians, and that is pleasing and becoming like Christ. We know that as we imitate Christ, it shows His love to the world. There’s a motivation in that which can help bypass the suffering and discomfort of extending forgiveness.

Thanks for these good questions and for the opportunity to share a bit more about the importance of forgiveness.

Comments

[Mr. D]

The floor is open for questions, y'all.

Just ask Catherine.

[Superman]

I agree that forgiveness is not only a vital tenet of our faith, but is also a grossly misunderstood idea. On idea that I recently heard in a sermon which I feel directly relates to the issue of forgiveness is the concept of repentence. Repentence, simply put, is asking for forgiveness, however, the pastor described repentence on a much deeper level, as a gift from God which allows us to experience his glory. When we ask for forgiveness, we are tapping into the wellspring of God's grace.
I feel that, like Mr. D mentioned, a better understanding of our forgiveness through Christ's blood, is neccessary in correctly practicing our own forgiveness. If asking for forgiveness can truly be a restorative exercise, how much more can giving forgiveness help us to truly heal the wounds which we have had inflicted upon us.
Again, I agree with Mr. D that the concept and practice of forgiveness are excellent food for thought and I am sure that it will be crossing my mind often in the near future and during my prayer time as I seek to grow closer to my savior through forgiveness.